Three Questions

Emme was in 7th grade when she came home from school with an invaluable lesson on being a good person.

Her social studies teacher at Holmes Junior High had imparted with his students the value and skill of active listening. Twelve-year-old Emme’s words to me were these:

“Active listening is the act of actually listening to me. You close your computer or turn off your phone or put down your book and physically turn your body so you’re facing me. If you’re in the middle of something, say to me, ‘Just a minute while I finish this.’ Then finish, put down your distraction and make eye contact with me. Really listen to me and think about what I’m saying. Then give me constructive criticism and ideas on how I can make my idea better. Always talk clearly and have a posture that shows me you are listening. Be patient with me and don’t interrupt me. When I’m done, end it with a positive, supportive message. Let me know that if I need help, I can come back to you.”

I was reminded of Emme’s 7th grade lesson earlier this week when I came across a video of a woman who shared a story of a recent flight she took to Hawaii.

As the plane departed, the pilot came on the PA, welcomed her passengers to the flight and made the announcement that, for the next five hours, they were the most important thing in the world to her. Nothing mattered to her more than the human beings on her plane and she would do everything to keep them safe.

How lovely, to be told by a stranger that you are the most important thing in the world and that they would do anything to keep you safe.

When our kids were little, one of our favorite books, partly because it had beautiful illustrations and partly because of the compelling story, was “The Three Questions” by John J. Muth.

Based on a fable by Leo Tolstoy, Muth’s main character, a boy named Nikolai, tells his animal friends – a crane, a monkey and a dog - “I want to be a good person. If only I could find the answer to three questions, I would always know what to do.”

Nikolai’s questions to his friends were these:

1. When is the most important time? 

2. Who is the most important person?

3. What is the most important thing to do?

While his friends tried to be helpful, none of their answers felt right. As Nikolai ventured off alone to contemplate his questions, he happened upon a situation that answered all three of his questions. Without retelling the story, I will tell you that Emme’s social studies teacher and that lovely Hawaii-bound pilot have the answers to all three questions.

1.  When is the most important time?

It is now. This very moment. These five hours on an airplane to Hawaii. The few minutes sitting at the kitchen table talking with your daughter. The morning “goodbye” as your husband leaves for work. Now.  This is the most important time.

2. Who is the most important person?

The one you are with now. The person or people in front of you. Whether you know them or not. Whether you like them or not. Whether they are popular or not. That person across the counter from you, next to you in line, with you at dinner. This is the most important person.

3. What is the most important thing to do?

Take care of the one you are with now. Listen to them. Laugh with them. Take care of them. Show them with your actions that they are important. Be like the pilot on the Hawaii flight and let them know that they are precious. Even if you don’t know them. Even if you don’t like them. Especially if you don’t like them.

With Emme’s words, the pilot’s example and John Muth’s story as my inspiration, I spent the rest of my week attempting to be present with and to value every person I met.

It was difficult and I can’t say I succeeded. At one point, I found myself putting my sister’s phone call on hold so that I could say “hello” to someone who had just walked through my front door and, at the same time, answer a text message. In a world with a million distractions, it’s hard to focus on what is most important.

I may not have succeeded yesterday, but I’ll try again today. Because the people that surround me in this beautiful life deserve nothing less than my full attention and my utmost care.

The people in your life deserve the same.

So do you.